I’m not religious, and so I’ve never been to confesisonal but I do know the purpose of the act. So here I am, confessing to all those tumbl’n. Forgive me followers, for I have sinned: I have lied…about being back on OkCupid.
It’s been a while, a long while really, but in my defense I have been far from active. That was until last month, and then again, just now. I have a really good reason as to how this all happened.
It started one night in June. I had been working like a madwoman, all my friends were away, and so I was having one of my getting wine drunk alone in my room nights. After B rated romantic comedies from the Redbox I started feeling depressed and then drank a glass more and started to feel really great about how well I;ve been doing the past few months. I started toasting myself to how well I had ‘moved on’. I’d celebrate by putting myself back on the market: via the damn site. This was all a facade, not a total facade, but in retrospect, me reactivating on OkCupid to prove something to myself was a cry for help, and one that my buddy 2 buck Chuck (trader joe’s, y’all) wasn’t hearing.
Anyways, I immediately lost my password and because I was tipsy when I created it had no clue what it was. Last month I was reminded of this rdiciulous night by an OKC email notification. I retrieved my password and planned to deactivate…again. I began deleting all the really creepy messages from gross guys that do not actually live in Chicago and are trying too hard. As I scrolled up I found the most recent message, which wasn’t even recent. A super casual and friendly message from a guy that just seemed…nice. A good look at his profile later, I thought that I surely had missed the boat. I contemplated and realized that whether or not it leads anywhere, who says you can’t find friends on OkCupid? (watch that question lead to a post) So I messaged him back and apologized but I had lost my password but should he still be interested in chatting, I was. So I checked a day later: nothing, and then a week later: nothing. And I was ok about it.
Here we are now, a good month or so later and at 2:08am, I went to delete my OkCupid account…again. And yet again I found myself in the same situation. Several messages from creeps and one rather friendly message from the same guy as before. It’s late, or early, like 3:04am early; I have no idea what I’m doing. I know that I’m in a much better place that I was in February, or June, or even this past Wednesday. I have soberly decided upon my actions. I’ve relunctantly dipped my foot in the water now, typically I’d say let’s see how long it takes before I’m toweling off or swimming, however, I think I need to wade in the shallow end a bit. No floaties attached.
So delirious I’m using a swimming analogy,
Just a question. A simple question. A question I’m still struggling to answer.
"How did you meet?"
In the (near) 7 months since I’ve met the boy, he’s been around for long enough to have earned a pseudonym so we’ll call him Zach from here on out, this question has been asked numerous times. Why is it that in all of my past relationships I cannot recall having to answer this question? Ever.
There is a brief, simple answer. One that isn’t technically a lie as it does answer where/how we actually physically met, but eventually I’ll have to cop to the official story. If Zach and I were a passing thing, nothing to be serious about, a farce, I could pass with the generic “at a party” or “at a bar” response that has become expected of my age group. However, instead I feel guilty for the altered-fib andembarrassed, ashamed, apprehensive(?) about the absolute truth.
Does every other online-dating-success-story-couple have this same weight hanging over them?
I’m assuming it isn’t entirely easy for any of us to admit to meeting on the interwebs, but I can’t help but feel that I am struggling more than others.
Perhaps because neither Zach nor myself were incredibly serious about the entire endeavor. He, allegedly, only joined because of reputation on another website he frequents and the disdain for “meeting at a bar,” and, well, you all know my story.
So shame isn’t exactly the right word. I can’t, in good faith, be ashamed of anything that led to Zach and my introduction no matter how out-of-character and absurd. Also, I in no way am judgmental of other couples who have met on OkCupid, E-Harmony, or other online dating sites. I know a LOT of people who have had success in that area.
The issue is, and I’m sure will remain, that I am probably the last person anyone I know would expect to create an account. As I documented throughout the project: I feel fairly confident talking to anyone, I like going out and meeting people, and I sincerely had no intention of dating or even fooling around with anyone this year…I had better things to do. Thus, the times I have told the full story (and I have told it, more times than I can count on my two hands) the story has become this unnecessarily long saga due to the preamble setting up how the hell I wound up leading on the entire internet.
I wish I was confident enough to say “we met online” or even “we kinda met online, and then at…”
Maybe someday I will be.
What bothers me the most is that my mother doesn’t know, and I know his does, as does his father, and his friends, etc.
Why does this question plague me? And why can’t I cure it with a straight-forward answer?
I prefer our story to the standard drunken pick up at a bar.
Thanks for listening,
Today’s Daily Double! Two posts in one day! World o’ blogging, it’s winter break, and at this university we have a 6 week winter break that is entirely too long. As if we haven’t posted enough in the month of November due to our awful habits of procrastination, I assure you writing will be one of the only semi-productive things I do in the coming weeks. I know you can hardly contain your joy….tis the season, right?
Up until this point posts have focused mainly on Mr. Quiver, but this entire time I’ve been speaking to someone else. Speaking with him was the result of me getting brave and just going for it in the very beginning of the experiment (I admit, after the two week mark I became quite lax) and I didn’t know how far it’d go, if at all. We match up pretty well, and in fact our enemy percentage went down a point…didn’t even know that possible. Incidentally enough, Viola and him match as well. To think we were speaking to the same boy at one point….how juicy!
Anyways, we’ve been conversing back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. Our thread is obnoxiously long and message after message I wonder….coffee? I’ve been asked out by someone I simply said “Hi, nice to meet you” to, and went on a date with Mr. Quiver after speaking for only 10 days, a totally of 12 messages. My roommate has had 25 messages with a guy who lives 35 minutes away and they’re getting coffee. Viola’s gotten gyros with someone and they met a short time ago too. Looking at all these examples I keep thinking, lucky number 60? And because I just checked it….number 61?
With, I’ve decided to call him, Mr. Photo major, I’m full of questions. We get along, talking is comfortable, we joke around, and we’re on the same campus, so why haven’t I been asked for coffee? Hell, there’s two coffeeshops on campus.
I have friends that’d say I should probably consult the whole “He’s Just Not That Into You” rules. I’ve read the book and know that there are explicit rules and passages pertaining to this situation, but I really think that after 60 some odd messages there’s a reason we’re still talking. There’s ways to get rid of me, end this conversation all together, you’re online, it’s quite easy to ignore someone, believe me I’ve done it. And, well, I also know that I could very well ask him out, but that’s not me, and that’s possibly even too forward.
Keep calm and carry on,
Neither Holly nor I expected much out of this whole okcupid world. Okay, to be fair I think we both expected much entertainment at the expense of those who were members of an online dating site, but in order for our endeavor to be slightly successful, we had to shed those judgments, accept that we too were now members of an online dating site, and dive in.
And well, being judgment free was a little difficult. However, I was not judging the people so much as the things they put on their profile. For anyone male or female interested in trying out the okcupid world I can assure you that there are plenty of perfectly normal individuals on the site. It doesn’t take great pain to find them either. In any case, the ones that aren’t perfectly normal are highly entertaining. First off, people need to stop including sentiments that make them obviously bitter about their last relationship. Already a red flag. Preaching won’t help your case either but I guess you have to be honest about who you are, so thanks for the warning not to reply/contact you.
Now I’m not saying this stands for every girl, since one gent I was talking to told me how a girl he met on the site immediately told him a story about giving a blow job to get out of a speeding ticket (I can’t even cry to get out of a speeding ticket), but I do know its an immediate rejection for me if you have “casual sex” listed under what you are looking for. Also if you go into great detail about your sex life under the heading “things i’m good at”.
Yeah, there are some real winners on that site.
I was told by Holly this morning, while she was enjoying a jaunt through the catacombs of okcupid’s suggested matches, about some intriguing screennames she wants to message just because of the extreme vapidity of the names. I responded with a fun fact of how boys are particularly crazy this weekend/morning as I checked my messages for the first time in a few days only to find a handful of phone numbers…Holly immediately told me I needed to get off the site. Gentlemen, I don’t think that after 1 response from me you can really drop your digits…that does not paint you in a good light. (must boys find mates before thanksgiving? is there some animal law driving them to have a mate for whom to gather food?)
I do feel sorry for the poor suitors who had the misfortune of engaging both me and a few of my friends in conversation. They have no idea they are simultaneously hitting on a trio of close friends, two of whom live together.
But in all fairness, I’m not hating on okcupid. I have had a few conversations that haven’t held some underlying feeling of my impending doom and have actually, God forbid, taken the leap into meeting a certain individual with whom I’d conversed with. How did he win my acceptance of his invite? Easy, he was not creepy aggressive, didn’t directly objectify me from my pictures and tell me everything he wants to do to me (classy boys, classy), was capable of holding a conversation, didn’t give me his number/ask me out in one of his first messages to me, was equally apprehensive about the whole okcupid fandago as I am, and…well basic manners and charm can get you pretty far in the world.
I have to say, I almost didn’t make the requested appearance, but I’m glad I did. Not only was I shocked/impressed, I’m also not dead in a ditch and, at the very least, have made a new friend methinks…so we all win right? (this just in, this perfectly not-crazy gent has just now made an appearance on Holly’s matches, not as strong of a match though, oh dear, this site is endless annoyance and entertainment)
On that note, I still feel like I’m leading half the internet on, please stop dropping your digits on me at will, Sean is not looking at my ass in that picture, no I don’t want to know what you are wearing, and this gem will be deleted as soon as I hit my two weeks. Holly and I must really be two of the only sane females on this site to be getting such shenanigans.
God help us,
P.S. …in the meantime, Hol had a teeshirt back in her young teens that said “I think I could fall in like with you”…I may be falling victim to that phenomena presently and I don’t know how I feel about it. S.O.S.
Naturally when I have a paper to write I first find myself here.
As I’m now entering the last few days of my agreed to 2 week term on OkCupid, I feel it is only fair to do some blogging.
I still maintain that online dating is not for me, but I may have come off a bit harsh last post. I re read my last blog and had images of me with my hair in a bun, pencil in my teeth, glasses glued to my face, and wearing a dashing skirt or pantsuit lording over the office…and no this is not the start of a porn. When I say “I rock at being single blah blah blah focus on work and school blah blah blah” that is always up for change. In fact I have a dear friend who whenever she hears me say “I just want to focus on school and work” starts singing the wedding march and calling me Robin. (HIMYM fans would get the reference). It is just that I’ve never been one to go out and actively seek a gentleman suitor. I wouldn’t know where to start and besides I’m no good at intentionally flirting.
I guess what I meant to say in my last post (pre pink lyrics) was that my making an okcupid profile was in no way a last ditch outreach for a boy in my life. I’m happy single. This doesn’t mean I would be less happy in a relationship. It is just to say that I have no need to be in a relationship. And honestly, isn’t that how it shouldalways be? We shouldn’t enter into relationships, entangle our bullshit with others because we need to. That isn’t fair to the person we’re shackling on to us and it really isn’t fair to ourselves. I have many friends who bounce from relationship to relationship and even if they might be long-term to long-term I still struggle to take their relationship seriously and fear that, in the most after-school special terms possible, they don’t really know themselves.
I know, I know…it sounds ridiculous but thats the way it is. As human beings, psychologically, we do need relationships…but do any theorists say that these relationships have to be of the romantic sort? Because most of the time good friends do just fine.
I’d venture to adjust Freud’s list of humanities basic needs from food, water, sex to food, water, connection.
I also realize my last post (pre pink) is a little self indulgent, forgive me internet world, I didn’t mean to get all “I’m a big deal, errbody wants me” I was more of trying to make a point of how my personality does not mesh well with the online-dating world…or maybe the internet world in general seeing how I felt it necessary to apologize and amend much of my recent post.
Not an asshole or hyper career driven beast, I swear,
That whole “let Holly have okcupid til after finals” phenom did not work. I joined, I know, I know, I am weak. But here is the thing, I didn’t want to waste my time on facebook. Frankly, facebook doesn’t interest me for hours at a time. I don’t have cable, youtube is a great way to waste time but I actively feel like I’m wasting it as I go. Besides, I’d just posted on here and had entertained the thought long enough that…well it seemed like a good idea.
I was intrigued.
I guess that’s a pro about me? Insatiable curiosity.
So I have my profile up and running, you will not be able to find me either, and I”m actually kind of glad I did it. This is going to sound sort of awful, and I kind of now feel like I’m leading the internet on, but making the profile and “getting to know the world of online dating” as well-structured and thought out of a site OkCupid is, I’ve confirmed, through experience, that this isn’t for me.
I still have my profile up because I’ve already engaged in a few entertaining conversations, but I’ve answered that “why is it in my tab” question from my previous post: I’m bored and looking for a way to procrastinate studying for finals.
As I’ve perused the site and had a few conversations I’ve confirmed that I am, in fact, totally and completely okay in my single state. I really do prefer just focusing on work and school work right now. Should someone swoop into my life by chance, cool, but I have no desire to boy-chase. I’m enjoying myself. I enjoy flirting and not being tied down to anything. I enjoy having no set plan or obligation in the relationship field. It works for me and my present priorities and future goals.
Also, I think I’m going to try and follow Holly’s rules, her plan is quite solid and her standards are more than reasonable. However, at present, the best conversation I have going on in this magical OkCupid-land is with someone with whom my stats are not particularly favorable to her stipulations. We’re not even a 50% match and we’re 20% enemies, but for whatever reason, the conversation is marvelous…
…which segues nicely into why I think online dating and I will not ultimately get along. I can talk to just about anyone. I’m completely fine with striking up a conversation at a party with a stranger. If there is no guarantee that I have to ever see them again, I’m the most confident conversationalist you have ever had the good fortune to encounter. On the Internet, that is how every interaction is. I’ve almost never struggle to hold up my end of a conversation (when I do, it deeply concerns me). I love meeting new people and am quite friendly. This is probably why, until they get to know me or see how I interact with everyone else, a lot of people misinterpret my friendliness as flirting. So not only do I feel dishonest being on OkCupid because, much like Holly, I would never sincerely and intensely get into anything like this, but also, I know I’m kind of perfectly happy single right now, and on top of it I can talk to anyone, so anyone who messages me and I respond probably thinks I’m interested in them with a romantic potential…and that’s just a damned lie.
Furthermore, I look great on paper when it comes to school and the working world…my resume is pretty decent and flattering. It isn’t that I look bad on paper (errr screen?) in the relationship world, it is just that what makes me loveable can’t be explained. I don’t understand it, but in every relationship I had I can’t put down in writing why that person would ever consider being with me. Maybe its my lack of self confidence, but I just never saw it. I mean, I know I’m a catch, that is not the issue, I have enough of a sense of self worth that I can tell you that I’m a damned good catch. The issue is just that, well words fail me…I’m a people person and have always been that type who has been described as “you have to meet her/get to know her to understand her.” And to be honest, a lot of my friends still tell me they don’t fully understand me, but there are moments where they witness something and something is illuminated.
ugh, what am i getting myself into…these papers will never get done.
Viola “I’m Leading On The Internet” Bennet
To my dear admirers, don’t bother searching the world wide web for me, you will have no such luck. I can’t and won’t tell you my user name but I will say that a profile has been created, interests listed, book/movies/music shared and expectations given. I have allowed the ‘expert’ staff find me matches in my area and even suggest what they call ‘quivers’- individuals who they think will be the best fit.
To fairly approach this I must have search criteria so this is not some lucy-goosey blow off experiment. Otherwise, its like I did this solely to catch a man- hook, line, and sinker, and use this blog to mask my embarrassment on a social-internet-dating site thingermajig.
So here it is the criteria:
Potential users will be ‘hidden’ (Damn, I love this feature) if they: look dirty or unkempt, have no respect for the English language, do not meet criteria, and are downright creepy. The message below got someone hidden. I am quite cut throat, and rightfully so.
Wht up, cute white girl ;) =)
I, as a user, will do the following things in order to maintain a level of participation in this whole experiment. While it sometime has been difficult given my nature, I must remember that this is for the love of science and I am not truly myself, because I personally wouldn’t be doing this otherwise.
With that, I have begun contacting individuals, and other contacting me. One seems semi-promising. At this point, its only been a few days, and I don’t have too many expectations. I shall report back with more observations soon. In the meantime you all may even get another little nugget of a post.
Another Bill-Nye the Science Guy,Holly B.
So here is the issue.
I am sitting at my beautiful PC as we speak, my browser pulled up, and OkCupid on a tab. I am not a member. However, Holly had informed me about a week ago or so about her new experiment and I was intrigued. I don’t understand dating sites, to be perfectly frank. As I repeatedly heard about this site, usually through Holly discussing a friend or mentioning something about the site in passing, I always responded with “I don’t get it.” So at long last Holly came over to my current abode, brought up her profile, and showed me how this whole thing works.
So why do I have the base page up in my tabs?
The scientist in me has had my “how does it work?” question answered, I should be fine to move on with life. What is more I have repeatedly said, in my blogs as well, that I have no desire at present for a boyfriend. I’m more of a “eh if I stumble into one we’ll see how it works” kind of a girl most of the time. The whole “Single in Chicago” thing does not really get to me. I maintain that it is entertaining to be a single female in this city much of the time, but I don’t really mind it. I’m the last person you’ll see clutching a pint of ice cream and a bottle of champagne on a Saturday night sitting curled up on my futon watching something and wishing on every passing plane that I had a boyfriend. I was dating someone for a while last year, I had really liked this guy for ages, total little girl crush, thought it was a pipe dream, and in the end I actually wound up breaking up with him.
I find nothing wrong with dating sites. In fact, I think when it comes down to it I’m just too proud to ever use one. I always swore off twitter, I found it self indulgent, and yet I have one (solely to stalk celebrities during my trips out to NY and/or LA, but I did crumble and make one and I’m ashamed of that).
But still, why is it up in my browser tabs? And why have I selected my gender, sexual preference, and relationship status on the drop down menus?
I do not want a relationship.
Am I just telling myself that because I know I don’t have the time or energy to deal with the cyclone of bullshit that befalls me every time I actively pursue/or am pursued by a gentleman type? (Read: Last casual dating guy turned into a super douche capable of taking over Japan)
Is the tab up because it is a way to procrastinate from studying? Am I just bored? Am I vainly curious how many members I can potentially match with? Am I just getting all “wah wah winter is approaching and I don’t have a boyfriend”? Would I make an OkCupid if I knew it meant no one I already knew would see my profile?
Am I really the type of person to use a dating site? I mean, I usually complain if I find out that more than 1 guy is vaguely interested me. I’m not saying that this happens all the time and “woe is me, boys want my bod,” I just don’t like drama and I don’t enjoy working at things that I see no results in.
I think I’ll let Holly have the experiment for now, we’ll see if I’m remotely interested in the boytown post finals.
This is when I say something witty, clever, and slightly reassuring to the rest of the singles out there,
Alright, so I’ve had a lot of friends try this whole OkCupid thing, and I’ve had my doubts, but then again so have they.
I first heard about OkCupid last year when I went to visit my R.A. last year who was at the time, and continues to be a good friend of mine. She had found some success on the site and in a drunken state enticed another friend of ours to join. From there a cycle began and I came to find out that after a series of drunken nights (in which I was not present to put in my two cents) 5 of my friends were now on this site. They all claim to have been drunk and doing it solely for ‘shits and giggles’. Afterall, it is free and college kids love free things almost as much as sites that allow us to procrastinate on finals. And this gem, is like a two in one deal.
Naturally, I inquired as to what the deal was with this mysterious site after each and everyone of them admitted to having an account. It was best described as Match.com meets MySpace. I found this to be a giant warning sign and decided to do my research after they all attempted to convince me that it wasn’t creepy at all. The site was created by the same group of gentleman and Harvard grads that brought us SparkNotes (amen!) and it was ranked in TIME’s Top Ten Dating Sites of 2007. Can someone please tell me why we need 10 dating sites, let alone any more than that?
Slowly but surely I got the dirt from my friends, but I was sworn to secrecy and had to pretend that I had no idea about their membership on a *gasp* dating site. After hearing all the responses of justification I gathered that they were all either drunk, on it for entertainment, had been making drinks when so-and-so did it as a joke, or were on it for the quizzes- or some combination of them all. But, I wasn’t buying it because regardless of why they were all on it, they were on it, and had continued to log on, and even message potential suitors.
In the meantime, miss Viola and I had created this blog and I was thinking of creative ways for our little baby blog to stand out. I’ve thought about what it means to be a single woman in Chicago, but also what it generally it means to be a single woman in 2010. As you all know, it ain’t easy and to some degree we all think we should praise those who try and make it any smoother on us. It was on this note that I decided what better way to really write about the whole “single in the city” experience than to go on an internet dating site- especially one that many seemed to be on. I mean, if I personally knew over 5 women, than think about the hundreds in the Chicagoland area that were in the same situation.
And before I knew it one of my friends had just ended a relationship with someone she met on the site, two were currently happily dating someone they had met on it, and another gushed it was her new guilty pleasure and that I “just had to see the cute guy she’d been talking to”.
It is with this I declare that the next few (or more) posts will be devoted to my new social experiment and leap into the internet dating world. The OKCupid Chronicles, as they will be called, will be my insight and encounters as a single female in the city navigating the internet, messaging and ‘winking’ men who are a potential match given my interests, search criteria, and questionnaire responses. This oughta be quite the adventure, and I look forward to sharing this rollercoaster ride.
For the love of science,
(November 11, 2010)